When you tell people you’re expecting a baby they will reply with all sorts of things. Usually how you’ll never have a morning lie-in again, how you’ll never sleep at night, how excruciatingly painful childbirth is, and some of your more optimistic friends may even regale you with tales of the joy and happiness children bring. What no-one, and I mean NO-ONE told me about was the guilt. The terrible all-consuming guilt that seems to be part and parcel of being a mum.
From the moment a child is conceived, they become a worry, and from the moment that line appears on THAT stick, the Mother’s guilt begins…In pregnancy it’s all about “Am I eating the right things?”, “Am it taking the right vitamins?”, “Am I using too many cleaning products?” and am I getting enough exercise?” to name but a few of the things we guilt ourselves about. This guilt is based loosely on medical guidelines about what is best for our babies while they are growing inside of us, and represents our natural worry that we are in sole control of our baby’s growth and development while inside us.
Once baby is here, we begin to doubt ourselves almost immediately. For first-time mums it’s all about “am I doing it right?”, for second, third and even fourth –time mums it’s all about “why is this baby so different, what am I doing wrong now?”
Here are some of the things I feel guilty about on a regular (if not daily) basis…
· Guilty for not playing with them more
· Guilty that I stopped breastfeeding, and switched to formula before the recommended 6 months
· Guilty for giving them fish fingers for tea
· Guilty for giving them too much chocolate
· Guilty for working
· Guilty for being secretly relieved as I wave them off to pre-school, or Nonna’s house, or leave them at home with their dad
· Guilty for not having a spotless home
· Guilty for letting the washing pile up
· Guilty for never ironing
· Guilty for letting my husband get up in the night even though he’s going to work the next day
· Guilty for having a cold, and being under the weather, and therefore not being 100%
· Guilty for having a sneaky coffee and watching trash TV while they nap (and I should be cleaning or working or gardening or…..)
· Guilty for leaving them alone while I sneak a look at FaceBook or Mumsnet on my phone.
In all this, we mustn’t forget the fathers. They too carry their fair share of this guilt. They have guilt that they work shifts, or away from home, guilt they aren’t there, guilt their bond with the kids isn’t strong, guilt that they had to miss the Nativity play, or sports day or parent’s evening because of work, and guilt that they are missing out on their children’s lives.
As I am fast approaching the end of my maternity leave, and the end of lazy afternoons playing with my children, it got me to thinking about my working mother’s guilt. How will I ever find time to clean the bathroom, and when will I play with my children? The crux of the matter is, for me anyway, about this concept of “having it all”. Whoever said we could have it all? Being a mother is surely all about balance, and a happy, healthy life in balance is surely all we can hope for – for us, and our children. I’d rather have a dusty bathroom shelf and clean toilet and happy memories of running in the garden with my children!
We need to remember that we are all in this together, all of us Mums and Dads.
Thank you for giving this blog another perspective. To read more, take a look at Crummy Mummy's own blog: Wine Makes Mummy Clever.
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